17. Life Lesson - Music

This topic is broad and bland and overdone, I know but shut the fuck up for a second and let me explain in details the dimensions and lengths of music and it's ability to arouse your sexual interests.  Yeah, now I got your attention mother fucker.  Music is THE shit.  When you put the ear buds, plugs, head phones, cocks in your ear, you get an energized feeling of a most weird and awkward boner ever unless you listen to some phaggy time music like Lil Wayne.  Anyways, the genres of music that enthrall my mind and body are hip hop and metal.  I realize that they are complete opposites but shut the fuck up for a second and let me explain.  Hip hop is for normal walking music; I listen to it when I'm walking my dog or just want some bouncy music to bounce to.  I listen to Lupe Fiasco and Eminem.  They are the only seemingly good rappers in mainsteam.  Drake and Lil Wayne just suck cock.  Metal on the other hand, is for working out and exercising.  Bands like Parkway Drive and Lamb of God are ones that I enjoy.  Shit is SO cash to work out to and so is Teenage Dream or Who Says but y'kna'mean.  You people have to like a type of music, any type.  Music will get you through life and its hardships or rather my hardships in your girlfriend.  No really, listen to music.  Deuces.

16. Life Lesson - Weekend Life

It's time to get things settled, the weekend is for sleeping and occasionally hanging out with friends and partying, unless you're phaggot.  The occasionally should be taken lightly, sleep is the first thing that you need to catch up on.  Sleep is the fucking shit.  You sleep for 8 hours?  You get ate by ass demons.  You sleep for 12 hours?  You get ate by nipple demons.  You sleep until you feel good?  Pure fucking profit, or rather, pro-tip.  Weekends are also for hanging out with friends, after 6PM that is because from 12 to 6 is YOUR time.  That's when you can do whatever the fuck you want.  You can fap, you can nap, you can get that job done, this job done, get a blow job done.  Anything you want.  After 6?  That's when the party starts motherfucker. You get to hang out with people that make you laugh, cry and shit your pants.  Weekends times are never a dull moment, even if you are sitting at home writing a fucking spectacular blog, it's never a dull moment; no Family Channel.  But then you think, you always get bored.  Evidently, if you're bored, then you're a cocksucker, period.  Weekends aren't boring, I mean, you wait the whole week for every weekend and then you get bored, fuck no.  You pathetic fallacy of a trembling chair.  Please do fun and awesome things unless you're the 22nd word of this paragraph.  Enjoy your weekends.

15. Life Lesson - Smarten Up

In school life, there are the smart people and the lower class of intellectuals.  When you're in school, you're forced to use your brain to learn (no shit eh?) and when you're not, you hardly use your brain, well for academic purposes anyways.  So, to the point, academics is just like society, there are the smart people, they are the ones that will get to places and will just get smarter, in society they are the bureaucrats and then theres the proletariats, the middle working class and below, they just get poorer and poorer, this is reflected by their intelligence; they become dumb and dumber. So, you have to fucking smarten up in school or you'll just take it up the ass more and more everyday until you become enraged and drop out.  Smartening up will take that dick out of your ass and out of your life and be replaced with poon.  Acquire currency, acquire females but disregard haters.  This is what you'll have if you smarten up.  Everything you do will become boss like and you'll no longer be the fapper but now, the fappee.  Enjoy your cheese.

14. Life Lesson - Bitches and Hoes

The bitches and hoes, yeah you know who they are and they know who you are, probably, unless you're a phaggot.  Bitches and hoes are different but they do have similarities.  Differences are the bitches are bred from the deep jungles of the Amazonian forest and they are trained to attack you head on regardless of what you have and what they have.  They will spear your heart and crush your limbs.  The hoes are the ones that you see in the garden, many people use them to dig dirt and for usual plowing needs.  How do you know when you've spotted a hoe?  They're with the bitches; that's the similarity, they hang out together, attack and feast together.  They're usually the bitches' bestfriend.  Bitches and hoes love to gather in a pack and just take your pride, step on it, fuck it, shit on it, and decompose it by saying, you're that bad looking after all.  But you've already lost all your pride to a bunch of women, GG life.  The Amazonian bitches love to fight with other bitches from other packs and so do the hoes.  When a fight occurs, it's usually verbal and directed at the hoes from the bitches of another clan. Then?  Hell occurs.  Hairs are ripped, shirts are ripped and nipples are ripped.  And in the end, no damage is done what so ever to each other except to their accessories.  I don't quite understand it, but it's whoever can damage the most apparel wins not whoever can break a nose and knock a kid out.  Advice to men?  Stray off the path of the bitches or even better, learn to tame them, be a bitch tamer.  To the hoes?  Avoid their dirt.  They carry many disease.  They don't need to verbally harass you, they can sexually kill you.  Advice to women?  Less accessories and you win automatically in a fight.

13. Life Lesson - Superstitions and Nothing to Do Days

I'll get this to the point, it's my 13th blog and I have no problem writing this.  Superstitions are fucking stupid and if you believe then so are you, prick.  Unless there are some facts to back up why 13 is unlucky, all you superstition fags can suck hard on my fresh tea bag; women applicants only.  Also, the second part, today is one of those days that I have nothing to do but write a cliche blog about days that are boring.  First of all, this isn't a fucking cliche blog, I know I contradicted myself but fuck yourselves.  Rofl "butt fuck yourselfs".  This blog is going to be fun filled with jokes and junk. Anyways, I am sitting here, upstairs, eating some of this Juicee fuit slices.  And yes, it's spelled "Juicee".  To emphasize how juicy it is, it's not just juicy, it's FAWKING JOOCY.  Made with real fruit juice too.  Then I look in the back, "not a significant amount of Vitamin C".  I guess they put one drop for every 1 kg of this Juicee product.  Get it?  Juicy product.  Moving on, my phone is ringing, don't know if I should get it or continue writing.  Picked it up, was some Asian chick.  Who calls me at 4:21PM?  This is when I wake up on Saturdays, you mad?  Yeah you mad that my body clock is fucked.  Cancelled plans for Pho and she probably mad.  Another topic, while answering the phone, I realized, even with a corded phone I get radio signals, fucking "it's not unusual" song came on during the phone call.  Brings me back to Fresh Prince days.  Need a sequel series to that.  Yes I am fucking mad.  Rage quit.

12. Life Lesson - AriZona Green Tea

Shit is cash.  Before I even start to explain it, this shit is CASH.  I can not intellectually emphasize how good the taste of green tea is, boner has already been reached.  AriZona Green Tea is probably the best iced tea I've ever drank.  It's better than Nestea, has less sugar when compared with the same amount of volume but has more taste; in my opinion that is.  Like, when I drink it, I feel as if T-Pain was in my mouth (no homo) and constantly Bought Me a Drank, but substitute drank for taste buds.  Shit is too cash.  Although the green tea is good, I don't quite like the other flavours, I tried mango and overall, the taste was good but it just had too much of the after taste of sugar; like all fruit juices, not that appealing.  The lemon iced tea AriZona wasn't that great either, same fucking problem, the huge craterade of after taste of sugar in my mouth, I'd rather eat some beets raw than drink that shit ever again.  I'd rather take a kamehameha to the fucking ball sack then to drink that again.  Lemon iced tea from AriZona is pure fail but the can looks pretty sexy.  In conclusion, AriZnoa Green Tea is Gucci Prada swag on full tilt.  Leggo my fawking Green Tea, shiet.

11. Life Lessson - Snow Days

Shit is cash.  All I have to say.  Today was the only day out of the whole year that I've had a snow day and I enjoyed it thoroughly.  I mean, I woke up in the morning thinking about my calculus test then, BAM like a hundred dollars just dropped onto my hands, no actually, not like that, more like a party where all the women gathered in front of you and a huge orgy just flourished with you being the only man.  That's how good it felt.  I never thought that it would be a snow day.  So the moral?  Don't ever pray that just because the next day is about to snow, say it's a snow day.  Don't jinx it, ever.  No one ever said anything about a snow day happening today and look what happened, God came and rubbed everyones nipples.   Will tomorrow be a snow day? Hell nawh.

10. Life Lesson - Calculus

Calculus, what the fuck Newton?  What the fuck.  You invented the most pointless pieces of series of equations I have ever witnessed in my entire life.  No I do not want to do dot products.  I know this will lead me to a great start in engineering but what's the relevancy of calculus to life science?  Calculus is not a science it's a fucking math, same with physics.  Newton you dumb fuck, you made this just to screw with people's grades such as mine.  Well mine aren't all that bad, I think high seventies but still, you're a phaggot for inventing something that's irrelevant to my life.  If I was Kanye, I wouldn't even let you finish.  On the side note, this is more of a venting blog then a life lesson.  Back to the topic, calculus is something that you want to try to avoid when going into grade 12.  It will drop your average, not even kidding.  You will be happy of all the stress relieved from your shoulders.  I have this one friend who I saw when she was doing her calculus exam, she was so stressed and I laughed pretty hard.  But in the end, she got 100% on the exam.  Still, she had stress and probably took a nasty dump in her pants after the exam.  Here's a life lesson, avoid calculus or be a phaggot. :)

9. Life Lesson - School Work

No one gives a shit about school work when they're enrolled in elementary school and the junior steps of high school.  People start taking shits when it's grade 12, the mid term.  The fucking midterm.  The midterm is like an anal probe that's been released into your asshole and will remain there until you get the midterm marks.  The mid term is something you DO NOT want to fuck with.  It is lethal like lethal weapon two, that's pretty lethal.  This is what sets your life and the path that you will take.  Fucking scary.  I mean, you can take an extra semester the year after but what's the point?  Your parents would probably kick you out right after you turn 18.  You have to take grade 12 seriously.  Don't want to ruin the fun of partying but less of it means better school marks.  Once you get into university or college you can party all the fucking time, slay all the poon you want but til then, study.  You just have to wait, unlike those dumbfucks who don't care and just skip every day.  You're not cool, you're a failure.  After your parents kick you out, you'll feel the aftermath of your skipping.  Unless you have some amazing talent, your life is done after highschool.  So, grip your fucking sanded nipples for the ride of grade twelve, you will need it.

8. Life Lesson - Sleep is Somewhat Awsome

Although sleep passes in what seems like a blink of an eye, it lasts for hours.  Sleep can only be described as an orgasmic ecstasy.  When you sleep or nap your body just lifts away from reality and you drift into sexual arousal; literally and figuratively.  Coming home from a tiring day of school or work and lying on a soft flat bed, couch or even floor feels incredible.  Sometimes you just want sleep to last forever.  However, there is the "somewhat" part.  When you sleep at a time that is unusual for your body's clock, the aftermath is terrible.  You wake up and just have sores and pains (nothing gay unless you take it up the ass, then it's gay).  This is because your body is so new to this time of sleep that it does things that I don't even fucking know, some magical demon comes in and just stabs your body with his pitchfork and takes a shit on your face.  Yeah, that's what happens, you get molested by a magical demon when you sleep at the wrong time.  So sleep on the right time, unless you're getting laid, then sleep whenever you feel like; just prepare for that fucking demon.

7. Life Lesson - Play That Funky Ass Music

You know when you're working out and you put your iPod earbuds on?  No not that, the moment after, when just the right song comes on and you start pumping weights with supernatural motivation.  Yes, that's when you realize you're listening to the most pussy ass song on Earth, "Since You Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson".  You scream out, "Fuck".  Then after your workout, you go in the shower and the same thing happens, without realization, you're singing "Teenage Dream - Katy Perry".  No, this is not a near gay experience, this is when you finally realize that music revolves around your whole entire life.  Every year, new music comes out and, even if you don't listen to them, they get stuck into your head.  Music is what motivates us, inspires us, makes us move on.  Everyone needs to do something, even pornstars. You always hear that funky ass techno music, that's to motivate you and the actors.  Everyone enjoys music, you just have to find the right kind.

6. Life Lesson - Stories

To enjoy life, you have to have funny stories. Times of when you screwed your friend over and vice versa. Stories make up life and decreases stress. You wanna have a good time right buddy? Well...the only way to have a good time without getting drunk or high is telling a good emarassing tale. "One time, I fell asleep on my friends couch and they decided to draw dicks all over my face". That's the golden shit. That's what people live off of. This is how you become a social YOU. Telling a good story is like having a good orgasm, everyone is satisfied after but always come back for more. Keep those stories rolling and those memories vivid because there will be times where you will need them.

5. Life Lesson - The "Lulz"

"That kids a fucking faggot", when things like that are said to other people, it's funny.  Although it's mean, things like that are not meant to be taken seriously.  Laughter runs everyones life, a study in Norway shows that people who are humorous, live longer (http://longevity.about.com/b/2007/03/28/laughter-extends-life.htm). You might think to yourself, calling some kid a "fucking turd fuck" would be mean, but it's actually giving yourself more life capacity and to the people around you who enjoyed that joke.  Screaming out "Cocks, cocks, cocks, cocks" while someone is on the phone with their parents is a great way to laugh and enjoy life.  Treat air like it's your ecstasy, treat words as if they're "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" type of thing.  Sometimes, people like to start fights if things are said to them.  You know what you have to do if this happens?  Pull out your MMA shirt and become an invertebrate, sticks and stones can't bones if you don't have them, ya fucking faggot.

4. Life Lesson - Goals

Everyone has goals that are to be achieved.  Once a goal is achieved, what happens after?  Another goal is forged and pursued after.  Goals are what shape our lives.  For example, you have a goal to get a job.  What happens after you get a job?  You work to get money; then money will be the main goal.  Goals sculpt the fabric of human life and maybe life in general.  Have goals in your life, realize them, pursue them and never give up on one.

3. Life Lesson - Past

I realized that people are living too much in the past as they are the present.  Did you know that a minute of the past is actually thousands of years?  Our present is the past because the light from the Sun bounces off our Earth and into space.  If someone could go faster than the speed of light, then we would be able to catch up to the light that bounced off Earth and look into the past.  So, since we are living in millions of years in the past, why look more into the pasts past rather than the past, which is now.  Live your life to the fullest, every minute, every second.  Don't look back.

2. Life Lesson - Religion

Have you dedicated yourself to something your parents and their parents dedicated themselves to?  I know this seems abstract but you're living your life, if you want to believe in a specific religion, then by all means, do it.  If you were forced upon something like such then why continue?  Why suffer?  Do you want to shorten your life with stress?  Religion is not something that I can personally speak upon since I am not religious nor an Atheist.  I can tell you that if you are religious and strongly believe in something then go for it.  If not, then ditch it.  Do you really think there are millions of Gods looking over Earth?

1.Life Lesson - Trust

"The mind is like an iceburg, with one seventh of it's bulk above water", stated Sigmund Freud, if you think he's an absolute nutcase, then you should stop reading but if you have a slight curiosity of what is to become of this paragraph then read on.  Your friends, your family, yourself; they all have you in it.  Everyone around you and yourself never shed the absolute complete truth.  Everything is altered or changed,  so whenever you think you can trust someone, that is false.  Always, always keep backups for yourself, if it's buying something expensive or lending to a "friend".  Absolute trust isn't real.