Saturday, 30 April 2011

29. Life Lesson - Eminem

Eminem.  Period.  All that should be said are already in that first sentence.  All you have to do is read in between the lines or rather line.  Eminem is the best mainstream rapper there is.  All you hip hop faggots can debate with me but Eminem is the best mainstream.  Only those who want to fucking say that he isn't are either on Lil Wayne's dick or Drake's.  I know you like the BBC up your ass, douche.  Yes, I'm on Eminem's dick, no homo.  What's there not to like about his music?  If you don't like it, you're either a soft ass bitch or a man bitch.  Man bitches are also called, gay faggots.  Gay faggots.  Eminem hates gays.  Therefore, I can prove, through mathematical equation that Gays are evil.  Gays = time and money, gays like to invest time into gay shit and costs more, from what I know.
So, Gays = (time) (money)             we all know time is money, Time = Money
So, Gays = (money) (money)         we all know when two multiply it becomes squared
So, Gays = (money)^2                   we all know money is the ROOT of all evil
So, Gays = evil

So, Eminem knows what's bad and what's good.  Listen to his music, he knows what's best.  His lyrics, his flow and his life.  The shit that he has accomplished throughout his life are far more amazing than anything from any rapper.
here's the link to my friend's Eminem upload.

Tuesday, 26 April 2011

28. Life Lesson - iPod Touch

The iPod touch is honestly one of the things that got me through high school.  You can put cheat sheets on it, take a pic of dat ass and what else? Easy pass on a test when the teacher allows you to listen to music.  Never been caught once; just rack up those fucking marks. Throw some A's on dat shet. Oh you got a biology test tomorrow?  Me too.  Next day.  What did you get on it?  "I fucking studied for 3 hours and got 70%".  You know what I got?  90% and I didn't study, I watched porn all day, it's evident that you are mad and I'm quite content.  I don't waste time on such trivial matters.  Ipod touch is the only intelligent way to get you through highschool.  You mad I hardly study and still ace tests?  You mad now you know my secret?  FUCK YEAH.   Ipod touch is a fucking need, it has wifi, it has a camera and you can download millions of fucking apps.  You know you want dem apps.  This one game is called Angry mother fucking Bird.  And how much fun do I have playing it?  FUCKING LOADS. Like I did to your mother.  You bring the bird back and release your anger on those wooden blocks.  Oh you don't see?  Well I think it's time for an iPod touch.  No I don't work for Apple but if you have an iPod touch you can vouch that it is a necessity.  Also, if you do have an iPod, don't get a case.  It's worthless, waste of 15 dollars.  I've had my iPod for 3 years and dropped it like 3 times and it works 100% fine.  Back is slightly scratched but who cares.  Oh and finally, you can watch porn on your iPod.  Yeah.

Friday, 22 April 2011

27. Life Lesson - Dubstep

Lol @ dubstep.  Life lesson, if you listen to it, you're a faggot, so avoid it.  At my school, a kid plays dubstep every morning since he does the morning music.  I don't know how the fuck he got chose to do it but he did.  This kid plays dubstep every fucking morning.  I'd be in a serious conversation with my friend,  "Hey steve, you tap dat ass yet?", I would ask them, then all of the sudden, WAAA WAAA WAAA WAAA DERP DERP DERP TSCH TSCH TSCH WAAA WAAAAA WAAA.  This would scare the shit out of me.  I thought the school was getting attacked by fucking Optimus Prime and his league of robots.  But no, dubstep isn't music, it's a recording of the engine of a car trying to start up.  You record that, then you get dubstep.  My farts would sound better with some drums added to them.  My fucking piss sound would make a better genre of music, PSSSSSSSSSS FLUSSHHH.  I call it, tripstep.  Continuing on, another story of dubstep is, when in gym class, our teacher usually gets the cord to hook to the speakers around the gym. So the announcer kid plugs his iPod in.  Guess who's back?  Optimus. Fucking. Prime.  WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.  Shit hit the floor when he played that music.  Luckily everyone rejected his music, "turn that dick loving shit off!", says someone.  So he switches the song, what's next?  The Beatles, nice, dubstep, fuck you.  

Tuesday, 19 April 2011

26. Life Lesson - Peer Evaluation

The stuff is hilarious.  Especially if you're editing essays of someone who is almost or absolutely retarded.  The joke is?  It's academic grade 12 and I've maintained an average of 89 throughout the course.  I've just about edited the worse essays from my friends.  "Othello is black hero and is one of unique books of Shake Spear".  Read that shit. Then read it again backwards.  It makes more sense backwards than it does forwards.  At least when you read it backwards the hero has a name and is saying, "Oh Hello".  How the fuck is Othello a hero if he's black and discriminated.  Shake Spear?  What kind of porn you be watching?  This fucker kills his wife and himself.  I mean, don't get me wrong, he's the protagonist, but the protagonist isn't always the hero.  Then after I finish the edit or as I call it, the good copy, this person asks me, "Wat shult the tittle b?".  Buddy, we're not cybering here.  I don't want you to shit on my tit, B.  Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.  Whoever made that line up, please tell me why I'm crying at how bad people can write?  This person must've been an invertebrate.  So I finish re-editing the essay, my friend says, "Yo, this essay is gonna be gucci".  The fuck?  How does an essay become Gucci?  Are you talking about the shit in your dick?  That's called smegma and in any case, smegma was better looking than the essay before it was edited.  No homo.

Saturday, 16 April 2011

25. Life Lesson - Reading Books

LOL.  Put up the letter L to the left side of your face with your left hand and do the same with your right hand on the right side, then make the O shape with your mouth.  Reading is like doing that for the length of your time reading.  You're on dat phaggy time.  Reading a book is one of those things that you don't do.  Ever.  Unless you're in English class that is.  I put emphasis on the word in.  You don't read unless you're inside the class.  Reading is one of those things that won't help you with anything.  Sure, your English teacher might argue, it improves vocabulary and diction.  Okay?  Well so does reading anything on the internet that uses an alien vocabulary to you.  Therefore, reading a book in English class doesn't help much but to make you follow through the course and getting a good mark. You can also argue that your English teacher is probably some fat 40 year old who's horny as fuck and wants to rape you and the scary part?  You're probably more right than them.  Your teacher probably reads every word in the English dictionary as "! COCKS, I WANT IT".  English class is all bullshit from grade 9-12.  You only need it once, and that's in elementary school.  You mad you had to waste over 1/30th of your lifetime reading and doing English homework?  Yeah you mad.  Most statistics are made up, but this one isn't, because I'm the man and your teachers a 40 year old swinger man whore.  Problem?

Wednesday, 13 April 2011

24. Life Lesson - Rage

Raging isn't one of the best things out there.  On the internet or in real life.  Rage doesn't get you anywhere, and certainly does not help you acquire female attraction.  Because, when you see a girl rage, do you think that shit's attractive? No! NO! Continuing, an example of fail rage is, when you get mad at your parents for saying some stupid shit and then you lock yourself into your own room.  What the fuck is that gonna do?  You realize you're going to have to come out sometime right? Or you can just chill in there and play loud ass music until they come in. That's probably the only way to counter that.  Play some hardcore rap, like some Wiz Khalifa, loudly, key word.  "BLACK STRIPE!", turn that shit down! "YELLOW PAINT", TURN THAT SHIT DOWN! "THEM NIGGERS SCARED", DID HE JUST SAY NIGGER?  I'm going up there and having a good talk with him. "BUT THEM HOES AIN'T".  You: Trollface.jpg.  But all in all, when they barge through, your parents will lay the smack down.  It's just a loss-loss situation for you, unless you enjoy pissing them off.  Rage also increases your blood pressure, that's not good man, unless you're a vampire, that's great.  Rage also gives stress, stress = white hairs, white hairs = opposite of super saiyin.  Yeah.  You get what I'm getting.  Rage is bad.  Now to end off with a forced cliche ending.  l o l u m a d b r o ?

Monday, 11 April 2011

23. Life Lesson - The BBB

You know what the BBB is?  Sometimes called the triple b.  That shit is SO cash.  Well sometimes, most times, actually now that I think of it, it's not that cash at all.  A lot of fat people these days.  Therefore, BBB doesn't tend to acquire my likings at all.  Fuck, I'm a hypocrite. Back to the topic, the BBB can be spotted everywhere, in front of you, behind you and beside you and if you're gay, you'll be changing that last B to a C and seeing a lot of it.  Rarely, do I personally ever spot a BBB to my likings.  The BBB is an acronym for, Big Booty Bitches.  Now this might sound terrific because everyone loves the BBB, even your father.  But, BBB doesn't stand for all the hot girls, it stands for all the girls, in general.  That's right, even the fat ones.  Those are the ones you have to watch out for.  If you stumble upon them on your quest to slay some BBB, then you sir, have a problem.  How do you solve this?  Take out your calculus vectors, poke that bitch a couple magnitudes away, and while you're at it drop a couple of magnitudes of earthquakes; no Geodude.  Now this is when the Fat BBB's like to counter attack you.  They aim straight for your ego knowing they've already lost theirs, they kick your dick.  No, not ballsack, they aim straight for the dick.  Unless you have a sword dick or the Chronicles of Riddick, you're not winning this match.  The only defense is to throw some food aside and get the fuck out of there.  I need not cover what to do with the good BBBs.  Since that's all you.  Good luck on your mission in acquiring the BBB you fucker.

Saturday, 9 April 2011

22. Life Lesson - Timing

You know the deal, timing has to be right for everything.  Yeah, I got straight to the point; no boner.  In your life, my life, your mothers life who I potentially want to sleep with, timing has to right.  You have to spread time out and fuck it until you realize that you need not have urgency in your life.  One example is studying for exams, yeah you might think, oh shit lets study the night before exams! I can definitely cram all the terms of the male and female genitalia in my head for biology!  No, no you can't mother fucker.  That's like saying, I can definitely acquire four females at a party in one night, no, no you can't.  Unless the chicks are mad ooglee, which I doubt since ugly chicks don't go to parties then I don't really have any advice for you if you're going to those types of parties.  Where all they serve are Kool-Aid Jammers with a side of classical music for a buzz.  And you'll get boners off doing homework together.  Back to the lesson, the next day on that exam, where the night before you only studied a couple of hours, you'll realize that you'll get nailed by a male genitalia in your ass on the exam.  To reiterate, you have to spread time out and fuck it.  You have to study 2 days before that.  Doesn't seem like much but will probably improve your mark on an exam by ten percent.  A whole mother fucking ten percent.  Ten percent is like going from 1000 dollars to 1100 dollars.  You get an extra 100 dollars.  Think of all the shit you can buy: 50 packs of wafer bars, 5 packs of condoms, 100 green tea Arizonas.  Lettuce be reality here, 10% more is just better.  10% more ass, 10% more teets.  You know you want it.  Timing has to be right. Have a good night.

Thursday, 7 April 2011

21. Life Lesson - Wafer Bars

I'm munching on this Wafer Bar right now.  All I have to say is, this stuff is delicious.  Especially the Wafer Bars of the Napolitanke variety.  I mean, this chocolate cream filled goodness just makes you get an erection on an erection.  So it'd be some sort of weird disease on your dick but no, fuck you, it's the only way to describe it.  Instead of Dat Ass, you'd be saying Dat Wafer Bar.  This stuff is so Gucci Prada Louis Vuitton Paki Swag  it's not even funny.  Life Lesson?  Buy it, eat it, enjoy it.  One serving is 3 bars, I've had about 10 bars so far. You mad I just had about 3.25 servings of the recommended wafer bars?  No, you're mad at the fact that you have none.  LOL GG.  No, I'm not a 14 year old kid who trolls all day but that's another good way to describe how good wafer bars are; 14 year old kids who troll, they make you laugh, therefore, enjoyable just like these wafer bars.  All you faggots sitting at home typing on your keyboard while I'm typing and eating at the same time.  This shit gives you super powers.  Who says multitasking is a myth when I'm eating these muhfucking bars and typing at the same time?  I'm laughing at how much better these bars make me feel.  I feel like I'm on top of the world; your fatass mother that is.  So I'm just gonna let my bars explode in your mothers mouth; pop rocks.  Wafer bars are the shit of a shit.  Shit.

Tuesday, 5 April 2011

20. Life Lesson - Laughing at Kids

In elementary school, I remember way back when recess was the shit.  Now recess = breaks, and breaks are still the shit but shittier.  I remember all the good times I used to have with my friends (no homo).  Just laughing at the lower grades when we were in grade 8.  It's always the first question, "What grade are you in?", "six", "I'm in grade 8 mother fucker, better step off my mother fucking four square".  Kids would then cry and tell the teachers.  Life lesson?  Enjoy your life while you can, I doubt you're 14 and reading this but enjoy while life lasts.  The good times will be when you're young.  On to this story, my friends and I were playing some basketball and all the women were mirin' us.  "You mirin' Chelsea? Yeah you mirin' my ball handling skills".  "Oh, you make me blush, you can handle my balls any day", responded Chelsea.  I gave a nasty jizz face and dipped the fuck outta there.   That's not the story though, the story is, this Indian kid, call him Phaggit or rather Phageet (pronounced Pha-jeet); runs out the doors of the school right in the middle of our basketball game.  He slides on the ice on the floor and wipes the fuck out.  Our whole basketball team laughed our asses off.  It was like we're all Santa but instead Ho's we get Ha's.  HAHAHAAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHA.  Just pure lolling at Phaggit.  Then he tells the teacher who coincidently was the coach of the basketball team.  She cancels our team.  Basically tells us to cut our nipples off so she can bathe in our sadness.  Or imagine a big cock heading in your mouth and you know you have to suck it but then it turns around and pokes you in the eye but you feel relieved that you didn't actually have to suck it.  But no, the lulz that we enjoyed was far more pleasant than the basketball team.  Now this Phaggit kid is in secondary school and I'm in grade 12.  I still laugh at this motherfucker all day; along with my friends.  Moral of the story, enjoy your life, to the fullest.  Unless you're Phaggit.

Monday, 4 April 2011

19. Life Lesson - Cafe Food

So, topic at hand, cafe food, dick in the other hand, jizzed all over cafe food.  Didn't quite enjoy it.  Cafe food to say, isn't the greatest thing in the world.  I mean, it's there so you don't have to walk outside but it's incredibly overpriced and incredibly bad for you.  The fried food they serve there is nothing but a bunch of nuggets put together from a No-name brand.  Yeah, it's not KFC or even Mickey Dee level of chicken nuggets, it's that bad.  So there's this one time, yes I'm gonna tell a story, I bought a chicken wrap from the cafe right before spartacus, wasn't a good idea.  Here's why; I had this running test to do in spartacus and it was to run the length of 7.8 KM while being timed.  After consuming the toxic food, I run one lap and that was about 2 KM.  I start feeling like ass.  My ass starts to feel like ass.  There was this uneasy feeling of clouded shit in my lower bowels.  Then  I get the sudden feeling of, "Gotta shit bro".  So that's when it hit me, dump = pants or test = fail.  I chose the better one out of the two, test = fail.  I walked the rest of the laps off and finished an hour or so behind everyone else.  How Sonic the fucking Hedgehog am I?  Not very.  Moral of the story, don't buy cafe food unless you really have to.  Even your mothers sandwiches are a better choice,at least I think so.

Saturday, 2 April 2011

18. Life Lesson - Conspiracies

Believe it? Nawh, maybe, actually I don't know.  Conspiracies may be some bunch of dumb asses who gathered together and spread coincidental images over the internet or it can be a bunch of educated students who gathered together and spread true information.  I can't really decide on which one to believe.  There are the little triangles on the American bill.  Yeah, so what mother fucker?  Triangles?  This isn't the Legend of Zelda.  OH SHIT, there's a triforce, yup, gotta be Illuminati.  I'm pretty sure the Illuminati didn't create Zelda and the Orcarina of Time or else Link would've been on our asses by now.  Then people might think, that's because you're part of the Illuminati.  Yeah, true, I am and I also fucked your mother last night.  I mean, the Masons were real and they were quite wealthy but that doesn't account for the Illuminati, or does it?  Shit got me all confused.  Life lesson, don't strongly believe in the Illuminati and don't strongly disagree in them.  Because if they are real, you'll get raped, gang style by P Diddy, Jay Z, George Bush and Barack Obama and many others; take a hint, they're all over 30, you like the old sex?  If they're not real then you can happily move on with your life towards global warming.  Or is global warming an Illuminati plot as well?  Shit brah, Japan possibly got merked by the Illuminati too.  You know what?  Fuck this, I'm going to enjoy my life and you can enjoy yours.  I ain't gonna do shit, until I see a tit.