Monday, 30 May 2011

37. Life Lesson - Sleep Paralysis

So, like the title says, I’ve been realizing that my sleep paralysis dreams are becoming more scary, not like fucking ghosts and shit but weirder.  Yes, I have sleep paralysis dreams and yes I realize that when you look at someone with sleep paralysis it looks like they’re jizzing their pants again and again.  But this happens to me like twice a month. I read somewhere that if you are able to control sleep paralysis you can actually go into spirit form! LOL.  TRANSFORM, in the shape of SPIRIT!  Who was the dumbfuck that made that up?  I’m going to try that shit next time.  Go into spirit form then sleep in spirit form and go into super spirit form.  Like fucking Inception and Dragon Ball Z together.  I call it Ballceptionz.  Patent pending.  Anyways back to the dreams.  I lie awake on my bed, unable to keep my eye lids open more than half, shit freaks me out.  There’s always a shadow on the fucking wall.  I don’t know what that shadow is doing there but I don’t fucking like it.  If I could only move.  If I could, I would fucking make the shadow eat my dick meat sandwich and tell it to get out my dreams.  Then I would tell him to make a fist and bang his teeth repeatedly over and over.  Try doing that.  Make a fist with one hand and hit your teeth with the folded thumb repeatedly.  Yeah you look like you’re sucking a dick.  You mad?  So basically, Life Lesson:  Try to control your sleep paralysis and kick the fucking shit out of the paranormal faggot that’s staring down at you. 


Friday, 27 May 2011

36. Life Lesson - Being Victorious and Everything That Relates To Victory

In life, your life, my life, we all want to win.  Winning is what gets the bitches.  Winning is what makes you feel good. Winning is what puts the hard on the nipples. Winning is what defines us.  Inb4 Charlie Sheen pun.  Being victorious is something that not everyone can achieve but you know what?  If you can't, then too bad mother fucker.  Tough luck, you're better off losing like a dipshit.  Problem?  To become victorious you have to have the mentality.  Whatever you're doing, do it with pride.  When trolling someone, you do it with pride.  You fucking drop bombs like Nagasaki on them bitches.  You take words to another level, you put creativity, you think outside and beyond the fucking tonka trollbox.  You take their genitals and stick it up their asses until they scream forfeit.  You fucking vagina punch them Captain Falcon style.  Have I told you how to win yet?  No.  Now, to win, in anything, you have to have background knowledge on it.  If you don't and you go into a challenge, then you're fucked upside down; missionary.  Now, if you read this, you are now on the verge of becoming victorious and everything that relates to victory, you know why?  Because there was absolutely nothing to gain from this paragraph but you still read it.  You are victorious.  If you didn't you are a mentally inferior cunt.  Mad?

Tuesday, 24 May 2011

35. Life Lesson - The Acceptance Phase

I got accepted into the university that I applied to and that is the University of Waterloo.  You mad I'm on dat academic time?  Yeah you better be.  'Cause based on my marks, I'm just an average human running shit.  79% all university courses average and I got into my program for Arts and Business.  I got my life planned and all that shit.  6 years for MBA and GG.  MBA = Motherfucking Balling Asshole's Certificate.  So MBAC.  I'M BACK MOTHERFUCKERS.  Anyways, enough trolling.  Gaining acceptance feels good right?  Yeah, it feels awesome, like the touch of a female.  Bonerific.  Unless she be ugly, then she better back off and acceptance would not feel good at all.  It would feel terrible.  Terrible like the touch of an ugly female.  Like the ones that are fat as fuck but still wear Gucci Prada Louis Vuitton shit, the ones that think they're hot but no, just no.  To gain acceptance into something that you like, you have to work for it but after you gain acceptance you just don't like it anymore.  Like, I fucking worked my ass off this year doing all these bullshit Calculus and Physics assignments then I get accepted.  But there's still one month of schooling left.  FUCK.  It's as if, "Oh hey, there's a twinkie, *eats*, oh hey, the creme is jizz".  Fuck yo couch.  I will still go hard in university; no erection.  I will drink all the females like they're milk; good for my bone-er.  So everyone let me try on your shoes and tell me what it felt like when you get accepted into something.  I'm outtie; fagget's belly button.

Friday, 20 May 2011

34. Life Lesson - The Weather

When you live in Canada, the weather is tres difficile to predict.  I mean, it can’t be consistent, at mother fucking all.  One day, it’s sunny as shit during Spring and the next it’s fucking jack the ripper foggy time with rain.  Yeah, I’m not exaggerating.  I’m sure the weather in Africa is much worse but Africa isn’t the fucking topic of discussion, is it?  No.  Back to Canada; you wake up on a normal sunny morning, attend school, during second period of school, you look outside (keep in mind this is Spring), there’s fucking snow shitting from the Heaven’s of Canada.  If I took my dick out, spread it over the hot English teacher that I have and then slapped her after the exchange of sexual pleasures was over, it’d be less random than the weather.  I believe that Canada has a fetish, like everyone else; it likes to dress up as Canada, and change up its mother fucking weather all the fucking time.  So, if you’re thinking, “hey I want to move to Toronto”.  Change your mind and go to Germany or someshit because Canada’s weather is on some nexx level Kanye West Let You Finish type of shit.  Enjoy your hail.  Oh yeah and your Justin Bieber.

Tuesday, 17 May 2011

33. Life Lesson - House Caterpillars

I don't know what these things specifically are but to me, they are caterpillars or fucking Missing No.'s from fucking Pokemon. My story?  It goes like this, 4AM, wake up, thirsty as hell.  Go downstairs, open fridge, chug some Arizona.  Feel the need to piss after staring at the fridge blankly with drink in my hand for 5 minutes.  Go upstairs, enter the washroom.  Open lights.  Look in mirror to check for Bloody Mary.  Nope.  All is good.  Look down.  Demon slithers across floor.  Close eyes.  Turn off lights.  Walk out room calmly then run into bed while frisking myself to get rid of all the caterpillars that could potentially get on me.  Sometimes, 3 out of 10, I would scream, "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT SHIT?".  I do this when I just lose control and get scared like a little bitch.  I usually don't sleep until an hour after.  In reality, I don't think these things are dangerous but they are just creepy as shit.  Like imagine if that shit was all over you when you are sleeping, GG LIFE.  Anything with 6 or more legs just creeps the fuck out of me.  Like spiders, you look at them, walk out slowly, then run away.  You folks will love this moral, Life Lesson:  Stop being a pussy and exterminate those fucking pussy ass caterpillars.



Friday, 13 May 2011

32. Life Lesson - Venting

Till I explode all up in your mouth; pop rocks.  That was what’s on my mind and what I had to get out.  Usually in life, everyone likes a good vent, in my example, I didn’t vent, I just wanted to express what was on my mind.  I guess you can call that air conditioning or what you learned in biology, HOMEOSTASIS…bitch!  That’s the regulation of temperature and shit in your body. You mad I’m on dat academic time?  Yeah you mad.  Anyways, venting is an excellent way to express YOUR views and thoughts on something YOU believe in, or you just want to go Rambo and overuse every single swear word to your friend.  Or, if you’re alpha, vent to someone you hate.  “Tyrone you fucking faggot cockroach, go suckabagofdicks”, Tyrone, “You mad?”.  Ez, both of you get venting points.  This one time, I open a fucking bag of bear paws and ate half of it until I realize ants have infested it and I was just like, “Fuck”.  Wasn’t the greatest bear paw.  That’s still venting.  Venting makes you feel good.  Just don’t vent too much or you’ll get anger problems and kill people; no Virginia Tech.  Anyways ending this off, my pen is the Bic Ultra Round Stic Grip.  

Sunday, 8 May 2011

31. Life Lesson - Yogurt

Sup. New day. New post.  Yogurt.  The fuck?  You might think that a post based on yogurt is stupid right?  No, it's not stupid.  You're stupid and so is yogurt.  If I opened a fortune cookie and was gonna read my fortune, it would say, go fuck yourself before eating a yogurt. I don't understand how people can like yogurt.  I mean, with all due respect (to the fucking yogurt secret society and Yoplait or whoever fucking makes it), it tastes like saliva with ass matter inside it.  It looks like sperm.  I wonder what goes on in the yogurt factory.  "JEFF, I'm CUMMING!" "WHAT FLAVOUR?" "BLUUUUEEEBERRRRYYYYY".  Ok, I admit, once a week, yogurt would be good but not fucking every morning.  It's not that good for you.  OH SHIT. CALCIUM.  DAT BONE GROWTH.  But no, evidently, a lot of calcium turns into kidney stones and you know what kidney stones are?  They are the things that you'll have to shit out when you're forty years old.  I have never had one but reading experiences on it make me not want to experience it ever again. Unless I was some weird ass motherfucker who likes to shit out stones.  Anyways, you know curry?  That smelly shit that brown people eat everyday?  Guess what's inside it.  I found this out from one of my brown friends: Yogurt.  They say that men's minds are their dicks, if this is true, then my mind has been blown, by a transvestite.  Motherfucker, NO.

Wednesday, 4 May 2011

30. Life Lesson - Frisbee

LOL.  So fun.  Playing Frisbee is like watching magic school bus.  But you're not watching the bus, you're watching Mrs. Frizzle.  Is it mrs or ms?  She doesn't have a kid, so it might be ms, but then again, she's one hot tamale.  Get it, 'cause her hair is red?  Awr yeah.  Frrrah.  Ok, I'm about to drop the bomb on why playing frizzle is fucking explosive.  I don't think ya'll ready for this; virgin.  I'm about to heat it up; microwave.  Frizzy is hot; summer.  Ok, enough of this shit.  Frizzy is fucking bomb.  You throw a disc to someone and then?  YOU GET IT BACK AND YOU THROW IT FUCKING BACK AGAIN.  If you want to change positions, YOU CHANGE POSITIONS.  You throw it backhand, overhead, dagger or even fucking roll it to the right side so it does a fucking curvature to your friend.  HOLY SHIT.  If you're playing competitively, you throw that shit to your teammates.  HOLY SHIT.  Yes, that's right folks and women, you get teammates.  Also, it's co-ed.  You mad?  It's not only fun, it's also athletic!  You sweat your shit out, unless you're just tossing it around in which is more fun inside a gym where you can do some crazy shit like shit crazy some do can you where gym a inside fun more.  In the end of it all, you enjoy it and enjoy it.  

fucking glow in the dark
glow in your toilet
glow in the night
glow in the forest